Protesting for Dummies

THE RIGHT ANGLE: Protesting for Dummies - Opinions

Some people skip class to sleep in. Some people skip class to have fun with their friends. I, on the other hand, skip class to stand in the pouring rain for three hours and be harassed by strangers.

A sick fascination with political protesters prompted me to do a very stupid thing the other day. In an attempt to understand what drives these brave activists, I donned my Bush/Cheney visor, my Republican Woman shirt, and a huge sign on which I scrawled, "GIVE TERRORISM A CHANCE! VOTE KERRY!" and headed down to the old train station where Kerry was speaking.

Looking back on the incident, this was not one of my better ideas. I might have been safer if I had disguised myself as a sandwich and locked myself in a room with Michael Moore... wait, on second thought, I was definitely safer at the protest.
But aside from masochism, the real reason I went was to gain perspective on what it is that drives protesters to do what they do. I did, in fact, survive, and now I'm going tell you how YOU TOO can be a successful protester in these four easy steps!

1. BE FLEXIBLE. Protesting takes time, and these people obviously had lots of it. My fellow Republicans and I nervously checked our watches and lamented over how much work/school we were missing; I don't think I heard anyone else worrying over such frivolous matters. Also, as a side note, when the protester in question is a Kerry supporter, the phrase "be flexible" takes on a whole new meaning, since they have to change their positions every week or so.

2. BE LOUD. You don't necessarily have to be intelligent to be a protester. Just very, VERY loud. Pick one point that you want to get across, and stick with it. One man at the protest decided the point he wanted to get across was "Bush sucks." Every time a reporter would try to interview me or one of my fellow Bush supporters this man would shout "Bush sucks!" about three feet away from us. He would then wait about ten seconds, and repeat this intelligent argument. "Bush sucks!" It doesn't matter how ridiculous you sound, as long as you're loud. I'm sure he converted several people who were going to vote Republican this year.

3. BE OBNOXIOUS. Once again, you don't have to be intelligent. Hell, you don't even have to have a real point. I had an old woman follow me around the entire three hours I was there ranting things like, "God forgive her, for she knows not what she does." She also tried to cover up my sign with her umbrella. I would just like to say, in my defense, that under normal circumstances I am AGAINST pummeling old people with their own canes.

4. BE A BITCH. Just remember, you're the protester and you're ALWAYS right, no matter what anyone else says! Apparently, I'm a racist, a slut, a bigot, a nazi, a sexist, AND my father is a drunk (I wasn't quite sure where that one came from, I think it's the middle-aged version of "Yo' Mamma!"). Just keep an endless supply of offensive names and hurtful phrases on hand at all times, and you're good to go!

That's all there is to it! Now, pick up your signs, throw on your Kerry gear, quit your job, and don't forget to stay up to date on Kerry's ever-changing views!